


Cracked

by Peachmangoflavored



Category: Fallout 4
Genre: A little bit of fluff I guess, Anxiety, Chem Use, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, breakdowns, idk I just love Cait let her have friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-16
Updated: 2017-09-16
Packaged: 2018-12-30 09:19:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12105579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Peachmangoflavored/pseuds/Peachmangoflavored
Summary: A nightmare leads the sole survivor to check on his friends at one in the morning, but Cait isn't asleep. She isn't doing so well either, and he has to help her out.Purely platonic friendship.





	Cracked

The world around him was bitterly cold, and yet he felt warm. His breath turned to vapor in front of him and he could hear the ice under his feet crack as he shifted his weight, but he felt warm. 

'Warm means you're freezing to death. Warm means you're going to die.' He thought, though he wasn't alarmed. He almost froze to death twice before; once in Alaska, and once in the vault.

The vault.

It was going to be one of those dreams.

He began to struggle to wake up by any means possible, twisting his body and pinching himself while screaming his lungs out; anything to get out of there before vault one-eleven replays in his head. The confinement of the cryogenic chamber came into clearer view as he struggled, and he could hear voices talking outside. He no longer felt warm, but hot; unbearably hot. The heat was rising to his head and he closed his eyes so he didn't see what he knew was coming, so he didn't see his wife die again.

Then the shot rang out. The heat tore through his head and he felt like his temple was on fire until he couldn't bear it any longer. He opened his eyes and the pain disappeared and there was his wife, a frozen corpse slumped against the back of her chamber. The glint of her wedding ring caught his eye and it was all too much for him to handle.

Julian woke up on the floor of his room, gasping for breath and choking back tears. He tried to whisper reassurances to himself, that it was just a dream, that it's all in the past, that he's going to be ok. His anxiety was through the roof and he couldn't stop shaking. When he finally gathered enough strength to stand, he put on a jacket and rushed through his little wooden shack to get outside. The cool nighttime air did little to help his nerves, but when one of the many automatrons he built walked over he felt a little more secure. 

Secure.

Secure.

Are all his friends secure?

With a quiet urgency he rushed over to Preston's shack and pressed his ear to the door, breathing a little bit easier when he heard his gentle snoring. He ran to Sturges' shack, then the Long's, and repeated this awkward doorstep listening for every one of his friends in Sanctuary. By the time he reached his last stop, he had almost completely calmed down, reassured that everyone was going to be just fine and his problems were his alone. He almost didn't check on Cait, but decided that it would be necessary to hear her sleeping breathing for him to feel at ease enough to sleep himself.

He was about to press his ear to the door when he heard a quietly angry groan and the sound of smashing wood. His newly-calmed heart picked up speed so quickly he felt dizzy and he all but bolted into the door to fight the intruder unarmed. The door was locked, but when he slammed his body into it the thud was loud enough to stop the intruder from smashing something else.

"Cait!" He whisper-yelled, leaning against the door. "Cait are you ok?! Is someone in there?!"

"Leave me alone!" Her distinctive accent whisper-yelled back, deeper than usual and slightly slurred. Julian was terrified and tried to step back, only to fall roughly against the door. He was shaking so badly he could barely move his own body.

"Cait! I can't-!" He managed to choke out before his throat constricted and he sobbed, falling deeper into his spiral of anxiety. Julian couldn't do anything but cry in terror against her door.

"Go away!" Cait yelled again, faltering near the end of her yell. For a moment the only noise was Julian's crying and the gentle rolling of one of his sentry bots in the distance. Cait unlocked the door and nearly threw it open until she realized the weight against it. She opened it gently instead, seeing Julian slumped against the wood and hooking an arm around his chest. She forced him up on shaky legs and led him to her couch, avoiding the splinters of what was left of her favorite chair. When they sat down she was a loss for what to do and just kept her arm around him for support.

When he finally stopped crying enough to talk he looked into Cait's eyes and almost started panicking again. Her face was flushed red and her pupils were blown out. He grabbed at her arm gently and she shushed him. 

"Are you gonna be ok?" She asked, voice returning back to normal as she spoke. Julian wiped his eyes with his free hand a nodded, taking a deep breath.

"Are you?" He asked in turn. Cait balked.

"Me?! You're the one having an anxiety attack on my door at one in the fuckin morning! You shouldn't be asking about me!" He studied her face quietly.

"Are you doing ok Cait? I thought you were being attacked." He turned to her room, covered in bits of her wooden chair and the remains of a few vases he had tried to decorate her room with not too long ago.

"I'm fine. I just lost my temper for a moment." She was getting curt with him.

"Ok Cait. You just..... you just really scared me. I had a nightmare again and when I came to check on you it sounded like you were just smashing things while on psycho-" Cait stiffened and he regretted what he said immediately. He was thinking of ways to backtrack on his words when her voice stopped him.

"You could tell?" It was barely a hoarse whisper, but the horror on her face was evident. He nodded and opened his mouth to speak again when she hushed him.

"I..... I did it. I used that damn Chem again. I've been clean for months and I just woke up with the craving and I knew you always have some and I stole it from you and- and-"

"Cait."

"I'm sorry, ok?! I know you went through hell and back to get me clean when I didn't deserve it and now I fucked it all up again like I always do cause I'm a damn fuckup and I keep throwing away all the chances I get and-"

"Cait." He repeated gently, trying to grab her arm again. She sprung off of the couch and paced the floor, kicking aside debris.

"I don't get it! That damn machine was supposed to fix me and then I'd be all better but I fucking did it again! And you know what? You know damn what?! I didn't even need it! I just wanted it! And I wasn't strong enough to fight the urge and now I'm-" She suddenly realized that her voice has been steadily growing louder and she may wake up her neighbors. She picked up an intact leg of her chair and smashed it on the floor to try and relieve some of her built up frustration before she starts yelling again.

Julian was incredibly calm for having been so panicked just minutes before. Now he was in a situation that he knew well, something that he had some background with, and felt oddly in control of himself. 

"Cait, this happens. Most people have a relapse within a few months of getting clean. It's normal."

"It's not normal if you used a piece of shite machine to suck it all out of you! You went through hell for me and I'm throwing it away!"

"Cait. Sit down, please." He patted the seat next to him and she looked at it warily, like it was another one of his machines with flamethrowers and hooks instead of a threadbare couch in her own living room. Finally, she sat down next to him, feeling heavy on her feet.

"I know it's scary. My first relapse was scary too." He admitted in a soothing voice. "You just need to take a deep breath and understand that it's normal."

"I can't just accept that!" She interjected. "You can't imagine how guilty I feel right about now! You did everything for me, and when I pissed it out the window you're trying to comfort me!"

"If it makes you feel any better, I was in you're exact situation with my wife some two-hundred seventy five years ago." Cait went silent. Julian never talked about his wife, always saying that it was too painful, and she knew that he must be serious to dig that deeply into his own past.

"We went through rehab together, and when I broke down she held my hand and told me everything was gonna be alright." He continued.

"Do you really think everything is alright? You use chems like they're going out of style, even though you know it hurts you!"

Julian sighed and told her that he didn't have a choice. He wasn't strong like she was, and he needed to use chems just to survive a fight. He told her that he hated it, that he felt like he was breaking his wife's heart with every needle and every canister, but he had to. 

"I have to do it so I can make sure that you don't have to."

Cait was stunned for a moment, though the more she thought about it the more she realized he was telling the truth. 

"I..... thank you, I guess. I never really thought of it that way." Julian smiled gently in response. 

"Cait, we're going to get through this together, ok? If you ever get the craving to shoot up again, please come talk to me first. The machine could only fix so much. You need to do the rest of the healing."

"But-" she began, and he cut her off with a hug.

"I want to be there to help you Cait. I want to help you get better. You've come so far to give up now. I know you have the strength in you; I believe in you Cait. You're such an amazing person despite the world trying to make you otherwise, and I'm so, so proud of you."

Cait audibly gasped when he said it, overwhelmed with emotion. He was proud of her. She couldn't remember the last time anyone genuinely said they were proud of her, and here he was, saying it with all the truth in the world.

She balled up her fists in the fabric of his jacket and tucked her head into his neck, crying freely. For a long time it was just her tears and his hand gently rubbing her back, coaxing her to let it all out. She fucked up again, but she didn't lose him. He was her best friend, and he was proud of her.

He held her until she couldn't cry any longer, and when she finally pulled back he kissed her forehead and whispered drink some water, get some rest, the sun rises soon and us with it. Cait didn't want to let go, but their breakdowns left them both exhausted. She felt calm inside long after he left her to go to sleep, and as he crawled into bed he felt the unusual calm as well. They were going to get through this, and he was proud of her. That was enough.

**Author's Note:**

> There's probably a dozen other fics about Cait relapsing but I've had this on my mind for awhile and LET CAIT HEAL LET CAIT DEAL WITH HER ADDICTION DONT JUST GIVE HER A FIXALL AND MAKE HER KISSABLE BETHESDA


End file.
